An article about the imbeciles that bought the Wii U
Yeah, woo! It’s 2013! Everything is new and exciting and futuristic. And that resolution you made to stop eating bacon by the barrow-load and go to the gym after work every day is going to pan out perfectly. Except it isn’t really, because you have to play Grand Theft Auto V and BioShock Infinite and Aliens: Colonial Marines and God of War: Ascension and Dead Space 3 and Crysis 3, don’t you? And maybe, just maybe, a good game will come out for the WiiU too.
Now the dust has settled around the console, it’s time to actually get a firm and final opinion of it. We know the spec, we know the price, we’ve played the games. So it’s time to answer the one and only question that has been hanging in the air since it was first announced. Simply; is it actually good?
To find out, HardReset locked its two resident arguers in a room with one until an opinion was formulated. One of them is a Nintendo fan, the other isn’t. See if you can guess which is which.
Ciarán Utting: Ok, so remind me, how much did this piece of shit actually cost you?
Russ Greeno: I buy my shit wholesale and it’s very cheap. My Wii U on the other hand cost around £350, that was for the Deluxe version and a few extra games. I should have reviewed them for the site by now, but I’ve been too busy. Sorry.
CU: God may forgive you, I probably won’t. Also, God doesn’t exist. How do you feel about parting with that kind of sum for a console with a spec not dissimilar to current gen software that’s nearly eight years old?
RG: Well I firmly believe the true potential of the Wii U hardware is yet to be seen. When pushed in the right directions, I think Wii U will have some mighty nice looking games. The bigger question is, why are people salivating over the Xbox720 and PS4 when PC gamers are already experiencing games in higher resolutions, filled with better textures and that run with much smoother frame rates than the next Microsoft or Sony console will deliver?
CU: I guess because PC gamers are the equivalent of a species that forgot to evolve. I mean yes, games started out on Amiga’s and shit, but then consoles came along for a reason. It was the next logical step for the technology, pushing things forward. This is what bugs me about Nintendo, specifically the original Wii. It’s like they chose to take a step backwards instead, just to cater for the imbeciles.
RG: I have some fond memories of Wii and as I see it, that whole generation earned them enough money to develop the new HD system. I will not argue it isn’t two years late, but I’m glad I have it now. Speaking of fond memories; most of my youth was spent in front of an Amiga – those were the days. But yeah about those next-gen consoles; at the moment I’m really lost as to what is going to be so great about them. At least with Wii U I know I’m going to have those classic Nintendo exclusives which tickle my G-Spot.
CU: As much as watching you have an orgasm all over your copy of Funky Barn would please me, I’m going to have to steer the conversation away. I want to talk about the online. To me, this seems like an area that Nintendo just doesn’t understand. It’s like watching a mother explaining the dangers of smoking to her disinterested teenage son. She only did it because all the other mothers did.
RG: I think Ninty have embraced online quite well on the Wii U. Perhaps while you’ve been busy quick-scoping mouthy little shits on Xbox Live you haven’t noticed how far they’ve come, even exceeding Sony and Microsoft. Firstly, all retail games are available to purchase on day one of its release if the developer so wishes. Sony were first to this with the Vita, but the PS3 and 360 still tend (not always I grant you) to have a long delay between a disc and download release. Secondly, game and system patches can be downloaded in the background whilst you play, you’re not forced to wait for a download before you can get into the action. In terms of online play and voice chat, a game such as Black Ops 2 has an almost identical online experience to that of a PS3, with full online matchmaking with non-cross game voice chat.
What about other online services? Well within one month of launch, HD video streaming from LoveFilm, YouTube and Netflix was available, and more in the US and Canada. Combine this with the built-in social network Miiverse and a very capable internet browser – both of which can be used without quitting your game – you have a system which outclasses the current competition in several areas. I expect improvements certainly, but as a first step I think it is more than adequate.
CU: Yeah, yeah. If they’re so far ahead of the curve in this respect, why do they choose to remain so staunchly behind it in so many others? You know those iPhones that Chinese teenagers started making 5 years ago? They had multi-touch screens, so you could “pinch” to zoom in on photos and stuff. The Wii U’s much touted control-brick still doesn’t have this feature. Most bafflingly, they decided not to include a hard drive, despite fan pleas. I’ll have to go to Curry’s and buy some SD card like a pleb just to download Super Ultra Paper Flesh Mario’s Haunted Go Kart, because I ran out of space a year ago.
RG: Yes, it is true there could be a multi-touch retina screen on the gamepad or a super fast SSD hard drive built in, but then the console would be properly expensive – like the original PS3. At some point the whole cost ratio enters the equation and every manufacturer skimps somewhere, even Apple, notorious for putting the shittiest earphones they can make in the iPod box. Like most people, I have credit cards and have spent loads of money that doesn’t belong to me on shiny new gadgets. I have an iPad 3, iPhone 4S and a Galaxy SIII, but despite them having super eye-fucking megascreens, I play games on my 3DS much more often. And before you ask, yes I am looking to take on extra part-time work to pay for all this
CU: All about the gameplay are you? I’ll make my last point a simple one then: What games does the Wii U actually have to look forward too? There’s been a notable absence of killer release-day thumb eroders, and from what I can see not a whole lot more on the horizon. There’s only so many fucking ways to spin out a Mario game, and Nintendo’s third-party support is notoriously miserable. Capcom gave the GameCube Resident Evil 4, and look how that ended. The GameCube was quickly overshadowed by better hardware and Capcom stuck around about as long as a person who just discovered their blind date has tuberculosis.
RG: I’m all about the Nintendo games really. As for others; I’ll give Bayonetta 2 a go, that’s an exclusive. Aliens: Colonial Marines, Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2 and Lego City Undercover. Now we’re past the Christmas break, they’ll be more announced soon. E3 will certainly be interesting with the X720 and Kinect2 alongside PS4 and its one-use-only gaming discs.
And he’s right, E3 certainly will be interesting. So where do you sit on this debate? Are you a born again Nintendoer, or are you holding out for next year’s next gen? Abuse the comments section below and tell us your thoughts!